You, Understood.

Why can't I think clearly since my divorce started?

What you're experiencing isn't weakness — it's your brain doing exactly what it was designed to do. When divorce threatens your home, finances, daily time with your children, and your sense of who you are, your brain activates a survival response: the part responsible for long-term planning and careful reasoning gets partially redirected, and the part that detects danger takes over. This is the same system that would help you escape a burning building — fast, powerful, and genuinely terrible at reading legal documents or making decisions you'll be satisfied with five years from now. That's one reason having an experienced attorney matters more during this time, not less: your counsel handles the complex reasoning while your system is in crisis mode. The fog does lift — be patient with yourself.

My child says they want to live with me — does a New York court have to follow that?

New York courts consider a child's stated preference as one factor in the best-interests analysis, and give it more weight as the child gets older — a teenager's preference carries real significance, while a younger child's may not be determinative on its own. It is one factor among many, including each parent's relationship with the child, stability of environment, parenting capacity, and overall wellbeing. A judge may speak with the child privately in chambers, or appoint an Attorney for the Child to represent the child's interests independently. Your attorney can help you understand how your child's expressed preference fits into the specific facts of your case.

Is it normal to still feel attached to my spouse even though I know the marriage is over?

Yes — and this is one of the most disorienting parts of the experience. Attachment is one of the most powerful forces in human psychology, and it doesn't switch off simply because a relationship has become unhealthy or because you've decided to leave. The bond you built with your spouse is real, and your nervous system doesn't automatically update when papers are filed. In relationships where there was harm, intermittent reinforcement — cycles of conflict followed by warmth or reconciliation — can create an even stronger pull, similar to patterns seen in addiction research. Feeling attached doesn't mean divorce is the wrong decision. It means you are human. These feelings shift over time, especially with support, and understanding why you feel them can make them far less frightening.

Can I take my child on a summer vacation while our New York divorce is pending?

In most cases, yes — but the answer depends on what orders are already in place and how far the trip will take you. If a court has issued a temporary custody or parenting-time order, that order controls; you must work within its terms or get written consent from the other parent (or a court order modifying the schedule) before the trip. If no order is in place yet, both parents still share legal custody by default, and unilaterally taking your child on a long trip — especially out of state — can be a serious problem in your case.

Best practice: propose the trip to the other parent in writing well in advance, share the itinerary, addresses, and contact information, and offer make-up time for any days the other parent will miss. Out-of-country travel almost always requires written consent or a court order, and may require notarized travel-authorization letters. If your co-parent refuses a reasonable request, your attorney can ask the court for permission. See our child custody page for more on how summer schedules are typically negotiated in Erie County cases.

What is the "date of commencement" in a New York divorce, and why does it matter?

The date of commencement is the day the divorce action is officially filed with the court — specifically, the day the Summons (with Notice or with Verified Complaint) is filed and an index number is purchased. It is one of the most important dates in your entire case, even though it feels like just a procedural step.

Under New York's equitable distribution statute, assets and debts acquired during the marriage are generally marital property — and the "during the marriage" window ends on the date of commencement. Income earned, retirement contributions made, bonuses paid, and debts taken on after that date are typically separate property. The date of commencement also fixes the timeline for temporary support, statutory waiting periods, and the financial disclosure you and your spouse will exchange. Talk with your attorney about the timing of filing — in some cases it makes a meaningful financial difference. See our property division page for more.

Can my spouse and I save money by using the same divorce attorney?

No — and this is one of the most common misconceptions we hear. New York's Rules of Professional Conduct prohibit a single lawyer from representing both spouses in a divorce, because the spouses' legal interests are by definition adverse. Even in the most cooperative, uncontested cases, only one party can be the attorney's client; the other spouse is unrepresented and must make their own informed decision about whether to retain their own counsel.

There are real ways to keep costs down without crossing that ethical line. Divorce mediation uses a neutral mediator who helps both spouses negotiate — the mediator does not represent either party, and each spouse can have their own "review attorney" check the final agreement. Limited-scope or "unbundled" representation lets one spouse hire counsel for specific issues while handling the rest themselves. Uncontested divorces with a fully negotiated separation agreement are also typically far less expensive than contested litigation. What does not work — and creates real risk — is one spouse "trusting" the other spouse's lawyer to be fair to both of them.

What happens to child support or spousal support if I lose my job during the divorce?

A job loss does not automatically reduce an existing support order. Until the court modifies the order, the full amount continues to accrue, and unpaid support can become an enforceable arrears judgment. The most important step is to move quickly: tell your attorney as soon as you know the income change is real, and file a motion to modify the temporary or final support order based on a substantial change in circumstances.

New York courts will look at whether the loss of income was involuntary, whether you are making good-faith efforts to find comparable work, and whether your earning capacity has actually changed. If a judge believes you left a job, were terminated for cause, or are deliberately underemployed to lower your support obligation, the court can "impute" income to you — meaning it will calculate support based on what you could be earning, not what you actually are. Keep written records of your job search, severance terms, and unemployment filings. See our post-divorce modifications page for more on how the modification process works.