How Do I Make My Ex Actually Use Their Parenting Time in New York?

By Pieter G. Weinrieb, Esq. · Divorce & family law attorney, Williamsville, NY · Updated July 17, 2026

The Asymmetry Nobody Warns You About

Family court orders are enforceable in one direction only when it comes to parenting time. A custodial parent who blocks visits can face a violation petition and real consequences. But a non-custodial parent who simply doesn’t show? Courts long ago concluded that dragging an unwilling parent into parenting time serves no child’s interest — you cannot jail someone into being a father. I tell clients this plainly because chasing an enforcement remedy that doesn’t exist wastes money and hope.

What You Can Actually Do

The productive path is to make the order tell the truth. A parent who exercises a fraction of their scheduled time has handed you grounds for modification: the schedule can be restructured to reflect the real pattern, decision-making can be adjusted, and — because the support order was built on an assumed division of time and expenses that isn’t happening — the changed reality can support revisiting child support as well. None of this is punitive; it’s accuracy.

Two provisions are worth adding when you modify. A confirmation requirement — the parent must confirm by a set time before each visit, or it’s waived — converts chaos into predictability. And a right of first refusal in reverse: if they skip, the time is yours without negotiation, and makeup-time games end.

Protecting the Kids in the Meantime

After twenty-plus years of these cases, my firmest advice is about the children, not the court: stop announcing visits before they’re confirmed. A seven-year-old waiting at the window with a packed bag learns something no court order can unteach. Keep your own tone neutral — children eventually draw their own conclusions about a parent’s absence, and the parent who narrated it bitterly becomes part of the story. Document the pattern in your parenting app without editorializing; if this ends up in front of a judge, a clean log of confirmed-then-missed visits speaks for itself.

What Courts Look At

When these cases do reach a judge — usually inside a modification petition — the questions are practical: What percentage of scheduled time was actually exercised? Was there a pattern of last-minute cancellations? How has the child responded? A parent who exercised 20% of their time for a year will have difficulty opposing a schedule that reflects it, and judges have limited patience for the parent who fights hard for time on paper they never use in life — a pattern they’ve seen often enough to name.

Mistakes I See Parents Make

Withholding the children in retaliation when the no-show parent does appear — now you’re the one in violation. Refusing makeup time out of anger rather than policy — decide your position once, apply it consistently. Blasting the absent parent to the kids or on social media. And waiting years to modify, leaving a fictional schedule in place that controls school breaks, holidays, and your own ability to plan a life.

A Western New York Note

Erie and Niagara County Family Courts see this pattern weekly, and local judges respond well to the parent who arrives with a documented pattern and a concrete proposed schedule rather than a grievance list. If the no-shows have become the norm in your family, a Buffalo custody attorney can tell you whether a modification petition is ripe.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can my ex be held in contempt for not using their parenting time in New York?

No. Contempt and violation remedies run against a parent who interferes with the other’s court-ordered time — not against a parent who fails to use their own. Courts will not force an unwilling parent to exercise visitation.

Can I get more child support if my ex never takes the children?

Possibly. If the actual division of time and expenses differs substantially from what the support order assumed, that changed reality can support a modification petition. It isn’t automatic — you’ll need to document the pattern.

Can I stop offering the visits if my ex rarely shows up?

Don’t unilaterally cut off scheduled time — that risks a violation on your side. The right move is a modification petition restructuring the schedule to match reality, ideally with confirmation requirements so unconfirmed visits are waived in advance.

Does chronic non-visitation affect my ex's custody rights long-term?

It becomes powerful evidence in any future custody or modification proceeding. A parent who exercised little of their time will have difficulty later demanding expanded time or challenging your decisions — courts weigh demonstrated commitment heavily.

Related Questions & Resources

• My child refuses visitation. What happens?
• Can I stop visitation if support isn’t paid?
• Can a court order my ex to communicate?
• Child Custody in New York
• Enforcing Court Orders

This page is general information about New York law, not legal advice for your situation. Every family is different — if this question is live in your life, talk to a family law attorney before you act.