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Should I Get a Divorce? A Readiness Self-Check (Not a Verdict)

By Pieter G. Weinrieb, Esq. · Admitted NY 2005 · 42-hour certified family and divorce mediator · Published

The short answer

No quiz can tell you whether to end your marriage, and be suspicious of any that claims to. A good set of questions can show you where you are right now: still asking, leaning but unprepared, or already decided and waiting for permission. The 12 statements below take about three minutes. Nothing you enter leaves your device or is stored anywhere. If you feel afraid of your spouse, skip the questions and read the safety note first.

Before you start: a safety note

If you are afraid of your spouse, or there has been violence, threats, or control over your money, your movements, or who you may talk to, this self-check is not the right tool. Safety comes first, before any question about readiness. Call 911 if you are in danger now. The New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline is 1-800-942-6906, 24 hours, confidential. Our page on orders of protection in Erie County explains what a court can do, often the same day.

The Self-Check

Answer each statement as honestly as you can. There are no right answers and no one is grading you.

1. I have imagined my life after the marriage in concrete detail: where I would live, what a Tuesday would look like.
2. I have said out loud, to my spouse or to someone I trust, that I am considering divorce.
3. When I picture things staying exactly as they are for five more years, I feel dread rather than relief.
4. We have tried something real to repair this (counseling, a serious conversation with follow-through) and it did not hold.
5. I know what my spouse would need to change, and I no longer believe it will happen.
6. I find myself wanting the marriage to end more often than wanting it to be fixed.
7. I know roughly what we own, what we owe, and what each of us earns.
8. I have thought about how a parenting schedule would actually work for our children, not only whether it would be hard.
9. I could name the first three practical things I would need to do after deciding.
10. I have looked up what a divorce costs or how long it takes in New York.
11. I am staying mostly because of fear of the process, money, or what people will think, rather than because I want to stay.
12. Even on good days, the question is still on my mind.

 

How to Read Your Result

Mostly “rarely” (a low total). You are asking the question, and asking is not the same as deciding. People in this range usually have not yet told anyone, have not tried a real repair, and cannot picture the practical side. That is a reason to talk to a counselor, individually or together, before you talk to a lawyer. It is also fine to get facts now. A consultation with us is free, and asking what a divorce would cost or how a parenting schedule works does not commit you to anything.

A middle total. You are leaning, and the gap is usually practical rather than emotional: you know what you feel and you do not know what happens to the house, the retirement accounts, or the kids’ week. Fear of the unknown keeps a lot of people in this range for years. The fix is information. Our cost estimator, timeline, and child support calculator exist for this stage.

Mostly “often” (a high total). In my experience, people who answer this way have already decided. What they want is permission, or a guarantee that it will be all right. Nobody can give you the second one. What a first consultation gives you is a realistic map: which path fits your situation, what it will likely cost, how long it will take, and what to do first. That tends to be the thing that turns a decision you have made privately into one you can act on.

What This Self-Check Cannot Do

It cannot see your marriage. It cannot weigh a spouse who is working hard against one who has stopped. It cannot tell you whether a rough year is a rough year or a pattern. It is not a psychological instrument, and it does not diagnose anything. It is a mirror with 12 questions, written by a divorce lawyer who has sat across from a great many people who took years to say the sentence out loud. If your result surprises you in either direction, that is information too.

The Questions I Actually Ask in a First Consultation

I ask what you are most afraid of, because the answer tells me where to start. For most people in Western New York it is one of four things: losing the house, losing time with the children, running out of money, or having to stand in a courtroom. Each has a real answer in New York law. Equitable distribution does not mean the house is automatically sold. Custody in New York starts from the children’s best interests, not from a preference for either parent. Maintenance and child support follow formulas you can run yourself before you ever call. And most uncontested divorces in Erie County are decided on paper, without anyone appearing in court. Our page on what happens at a first consultation covers what to bring, which is not much.

If You Are Not Ready, That Is Allowed

Some people take this self-check and close the laptop for another year. That is a legitimate outcome. The one thing I would ask is that you not confuse fear of the process with a wish to stay married. They feel identical at 11 at night, and only one of them is about the marriage. If it is the process you are afraid of, the process is knowable, and learning about it costs you nothing.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can a quiz tell me whether I should get a divorce?

No. A set of questions can show you where you stand, whether you are still asking, leaning, or already decided, and it can separate fear of the divorce process from a wish to stay married. It cannot weigh your specific marriage or tell you what to do. Treat any quiz that promises a yes-or-no answer with suspicion.

Does taking a divorce readiness quiz or talking to a lawyer mean I have decided?

No. A consultation is a conversation about facts: what a divorce would cost, how long it takes in Erie County, what happens to the house and the children's schedule. Many people consult a lawyer once, learn the answers, and decide to work on the marriage instead. Our consultation is free and confidential.

What are the signs that a marriage is over?

There is no legal test, and this self-check does not provide one. Patterns people describe include having already imagined life apart in detail, having tried a real repair that did not hold, no longer believing the other person will change, and finding that the question stays on their mind even on good days. Fear of the process alone is not a sign that you want to stay.

What should I do first if I think I want a divorce in New York?

Get facts before you act. Learn what you own and owe, run the child support and maintenance formulas, understand that New York has no waiting period and that most uncontested divorces are handled on paper, and talk to a lawyer about which path fits. If you are in danger, safety comes first: call 911 or the New York State Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline at 1-800-942-6906.

Is my answer on this page stored or sent anywhere?

No. The self-check runs entirely in your browser. Nothing you select is transmitted, saved, or seen by our office.

Related Questions & Resources

This page is general information about New York law, not legal advice for your situation. Every family is different: if this question is live in your life, talk to a family law attorney before you act.

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About the author

Pieter G. Weinrieb, Esq. has practiced divorce and family law in Western New York for more than 20 years. Admitted to the New York State Bar in 2005, he holds a J.D. from Pace Law School and an M.A. in Humanities from SUNY Buffalo, is a 42-hour certified family and divorce mediator, and serves on the Attorney for the Child panels in Erie and Niagara Counties. He founded Weinrieb Law in Williamsville in 2011. Read his full bio.